I Don't Want to Understand Anymore

I attended a womens conference this weekend.  I guess I should say I half-way attended it because I missed the first and last night of it and half of the second day, but I attended it nevertheless.  There was some wonderful information about forgiveness and healing.  I sat in the back of course, doing my best to be unnoticed, and just listened to the speaker and the ladies share their stories.

The ladies were discussing what they had learned and there were some great testimonies there.  However, I felt so lost.  I can honestly say that I have forgiven everyone that has ever hurt me.  I know this because I have no desire for revenge, I don't hold any grudges against them, and if they called on me today, I would be there for them.  In many cases, I have already been called on, and I am always there.  I so easily forgive people because I seek to understand why they do what they do.  When you understand the history of a person and know why they do what they do and why they act like they act, then it really does remove all opportunity for offense.  I never blame myself for their actions; I just always accept the situation and keep it moving.

Last night I let someone borrow my car.  I expected the car to be returned no later than 11pm, but when it wasn't, I set my alarm for 5:30am and prepared myself to walk to work this morning.  Although it was 20 degrees outside, I never bothered to call this person and inquire about the return of my car, because I always understand and just accept the situation.  I knew the car would show up before the day was over, and I would just take my keys, have no hard feelings, be thankful for the return, and keep it moving. 

I rarely, and I mean rarely, get mad about anything.  I take my punches and quietly wait for the next round.  I don't talk about folk, get in other's business, or concern myself with what others say about me.  I will always give a lending hand to anyone; even the ones that have wronged me.  I have been in the presence of folk knowing how they feel about me and what they have said, but I still speak and give love and respect regardless.  But there has to be a time when I just don't understand people anymore.  Last night I was lying in bed and thinking about something I heard in the conference.  T. Carter said, "Don't assume that people automatically know how to treat you."  We have all been taught to treat others how we want to be treated, and I most certainly practice that rule, but I have allowed my understanding of others determine the way people treat me rather than letting them know that although I understand why you do what you do, it still hurts me and you can't do this to me anymore.

I do tolerate a lot of things from a lot of different people, but I don't want to tolerate anymore.  I want people to love like I love and treat me with the same respect, loyality, and honor that I treat them with.  I can't just assume they will do that; I will have to teach some people.  I heard many things from the conference Saturday, but I think what T. Carter said was so profound to my situation.  People will not automatically know how to treat us.  We will have to show some people how we want to be treated.  Yes I will always be understanding of others simply because it is my nature, but just because I understand the reasoning behind your actions, does not mean that it is ok for you to walk all over me and take complete advantage of me.  People only do what you allow them to do.  So the way I have been treated by others is my own fault, but that has to change because it is making me miserable over here. 
I am going to begin to tell people how they make me feel and what I expect from them.  I will understand if they don't hear what I am saying, but they will need to understand it when I turn and walk away from them.  Hopefully today will be the first day of teaching...I love all yall.

The signals I give
Leave footprints all over me
My heart is so big
Why can't others see

You've stepped on the hand
That has helped you more than once
Never knowing the pain
It caused in abundance

The smile I carried
Along with my availability
Only gave you permisson
To continually walk all over me

School is in session
You will now be taught
I will be respected
Now be careful where you walk
                                       ~Milk
                        Copyright 2010

P.S...when I woke up at 5:30 am, my car had been returned.  There was no note.  No thank you.  No apology.  Just a set of keys that were quietly placed on the counter at an unknown time.