I Do Love Me but A Man Will Be A Man

Many times I hear people say, "You have to love yourself first...", and I ask myself what that really means.  If someone does you wrong does that mean you don't love yourself?  If you have some bad days does that mean you don't love yourself? I would think that unless you are ready to jump off a bridge and take your own life, then you got some love for you in there somewhere. 

I have a friend that I talk to about EVERYTHING.  He knows my deepest and darkest secrets.  We talk about relationships, kids, religion, work, and life in general.  He often tells me that I need to love myself.  I get so lost with that statement.  I suppose that in his eyes, loving yourself means being happy in the midst of everything.  I would say with confidence that I have peace in the midst of everything, but I am not always happy.  One day we were talking about relationships and I told him some things about my current relationship at that time.  There were some shady situations going on, but I chose to ride it out and just tolerate it for the moment.  His immediate response was, "Missy, you don't love yourself because if you did you would see that you deserve so much more".  I thought about it, and although I had begin to become withdrawn and my chipper self had disappeared for a few, I was at peace with the situation and just accepted it because I knew there had to be a compromise somewhere.  Of course I wanted a good man that would be as faithful, considerate, loving, and respectful to me as I was to him, but that is something that I have never known, so if I had someone that gave me one of the 4, then I took it and ran.  Yes he may have a habit, but he respects me.  Or yes he may cheat, but he helps with the bills.  Or yes he may not work, but he shows me affection.  Or yes he depends on me too much, but he is great with my kids.  There is always going to be a compromise.

All my life I have heard the saying, "a man will be a man".  I don't hate much, but I hate that!  I know that there have to be men that want the same things what women want.  It makes me mad because I know the woman I am, and I know that God designed me to be a wife.  I love having someone to come home to, the butterflies I get when I wait on his call,  shopping for him, washing his clothes, cooking his dinner, waking up beside him in the mornings, and catering to him.  These things come naturally to me because they are a part of my design, therefore I look forward to them.  However, after 37 years of hearing, and about 30 years of experiencing, that a man will be a man, I believe just that.  A man will be a man.  There have been only a few relationships in my life worth speaking on.  One was very abusive and he was not faithful.  I discussed a little about that in a previous blog.  Another was a marriage that I entered because I felt guilty about fornication.  He was unfaithful multiple times, and after counseling, prayer, and unsuccesful attempts at reconciliation, I finally left.  I will however admit my wrong in the marriage too.  I had a full-time job and a part-time job and went to school full-time, and I completely ignored him.  Although I was faithful, paid the bills, and took care of the house and the kids, he got pushed to the back burner and found some folk that let him know he was alive.  The other relationship allowed my kindness to be taken for weakness, and I was basically just used.  I have known other men before, in between, and after, but those were the ones that kept me hidden and out of sight due to their embarassment of me.  I have comically labeled them as "practice".   

We always hear about how men are visual creatures and they are going to look.  Well guess what?  Women look too, but we don't go out and touch.  There is nothing wrong with window shopping as long as you don't mess with the merchandise hun.  I can't figure out for the life of me why men can't just do right by a good woman.  She treats you like a king in every area, she makes sure you have a voice in the home, she constantly gives you affirmation...what is it that makes yall cheat?  I asked this to my friend, and he tells me that he has to stay interested.  His woman has to keep his attention or he gets bored and starts to wander.

I heard a couple of men discuss temptation in the very same way.  One said that everywhere he goes that his wife is not with him, he has a male companion that accompanies him and keeps him straight.  Another said that he places pictures of his wife and kids all over the place so he is constantly reminded of what is important to him and what he has to lose.  Is all that really necessary?  Do you not realize the worth of a good woman, and that worth in itself will make you do right?  Don't bring me that mess about how Eve tempted Adam and that put temptation in the male DNA, or the how the enemy is always out there looking to destroy a good home.  How about we leave the bible out of this one and you just be accountable for your actions???  I have had times of temptation myself, but I CHOSE to do what was right.  I didn't need a companion or reminders all over to tell me what the right thing was to do.  It was simply a choice. 

Why can't a man be faithful?  I have yet to hear a story of a marriage or relationship that didn't involve infidelity.  It is as if it should just be expected.  So if I walk into another relationship expecting a man to be a man, how in the world does that mean I don't love myself?  I would be a fool to think he is all in love with me and will do right by me and all that mess.  Those stories are in books and movies and we are so drawn to them because it is a fantasy that we wish would could live.  The only "happily ever after" we will really find, is when God calls us home and we head towards Heaven.  I had someone ask me out to dinner once.  I politely declined simply because I wanted to just be myself and be comfortable.  I didn't feel like getting cute and putting on makeup and nice clothes.  I hate packing all this up in a girdle!  I want to breathe sometimes yall! I wanted to head out the door busted and looking like hot mess # 65, but I knew someone would see us and send him the 13th million message about why in the world he would lower his standards and be seen with the likes of me.  UGH...I am so over that mess and glad I turned off that road! Geeezzzz!

So do I love myself?  I most certainly do.  Am I happy 24-7?  I am most certainly not.  Am I at peace?  I most certainly am.  Just because I accept that a man will be a man, and I settle sometimes, does not mean that I am down on myself.  I don't ask to be mistreated.  I don't ask to be cheated on.  I don't ask to have tears flow down my face from time to time.  However, it all happens.  I just expect it, understand it, and accept it.  The only man that will ever love me on my girdle and my hot mess #65 days, lives upstairs, and He loves me just like I am.  There is no need to impress anyone outside of Him.  I will tolerate some mess sometimes, but that toleration is temporary I assure you because I DO LOVE ME!

I am going to close off this blog with a poem that I wrote several months a back after someone (a man of course) told me I should lose some weight.  I love all yall...

You will love me like I am or don't love me at all.
How dare you ask me to let some of my weight fall!
All of me is important down to these hips and thighs.
If you can't see beyond that baby, then close your eyes.
I will never be what society considers the perfect treat.
While you're playing with vegtables, baby you missing the meat!
I know I am an amazing woman thru and thru
So keep on walking hun, cuz you just won't do!
                                                                      ~ Milk
                                                        Copyright 2010