The Burden of an Abused Woman

I didn't feel wanted as a child, and I have never been a wanted or desired as a woman.  Always feeling this way keeps me in a corner.  I always sit in the back of the room, I go places alone, and I rarely take people up on invites.  When people ask me to to join in on a function, I believe that they are just being nice and they hope I will say no, so I just say no and do them a favor.

I was in a relationship many years ago, and everywhere we went, he walked ahead of me.  He was embarassed of me, but tolerated that we had to go out in public from time to time.  I knew that I wasn't a physically attractive woman, so I spent my days trying to perfect everything else.  I became an excellent partner, I did all the chores in the house, I paid all the bills, I cooked all the meals, and I said yes to everything that was asked of me.  If he was going to stay, then I had to overcompensate where my physical appearance failed.  I knew he didn't want me, so I made things really easy for him to stay around.  It wasn't hard for me to take over all the bills and chores of the home, because that is what I already knew.   

I worked 3 jobs so I was rarely there.  My children were very small at the time and spent 12 hours each day in daycare.  I feel absolutely horrible about that now, and the thought of it brings me to tears.  I had 2 children by the time I was 17.  I didn't want to be the typical teenage girl from the projects living on the system, so I worked, and it took 3 jobs to pay my rent and other bills.  I never had anyone to depend on, so handling everything was natural to me.  I had two baby daddy's at that time, and neither one of them paid child support, so I just did what I had to do. 

The abuse wasn't so evident in the beginning.  I was so caught up in the fact that someone actually liked me, that everything seemed like love at first.  It soon revealed itself in many ways however.  He was a drug dealer and would have me hide the drugs in different places in our apartment.  When I was home, I hid the drugs, cleaned the house, prepared the meals.  There was one night that he told me some potential buyers were coming over, and I needed to remove all evidence of me from the apartment.  He said that if the buyers knew that a female lived there they would not buy from him because "women talked" too much.  So what did I do?  I packed up all my things, and hid them away.  At the time, I was just being obedient and wanted to do everything he said hoping that he would look past my outer appearance and see that I was really a good woman.  I later realized that I was just walking another female in my door.  There was another situation where our lights had been turned off because I didn't have enough to pay the bill.  I would never ask him for money because I thought that would be too demanding.  We had a fireplace in our apartment, and he was just as cold as me and the kids were, but instead of offering to pay the bill with the thousands of dollars he had in his pocket, he sent me up the street to steal some wood from out front of the local grocery store.  I happily got the wood and warmed the house until my next payday.  I entered that relationship when I was 19 and remained in there for about 2 years.  One night after 8 hours of being beaten and raped at gunpoint, I finally left him.  I never looked back.

Many people will say how stupid I was and how I didn't love myself.  I guess they are probably right, but at that time, I would take any love I could get because I knew I wasn't the pick of the litter, and if someone was willing to come around me, then I would do what was necessary to keep them there.  Growing up I didn't see much love.  People were mean to me, I was always yelled at, and the only time a man was nice to me was when I laid down for him.  This became my way of life for many many years.  Men didn't want to be around because I was worthy, they wanted to be around because I was easy.  I would never argue, never question, never ask...I just said yes and always accepted the situation. 

Today I am a different woman, but I still carry the mindset that resulted from the abuse I endured over my lifetime.  I feel like a burden and unwanted still, and I always remove myself from people.  I hate to even ask questions because I feel that the 2 minutes it took for you to answer me, was 2 mintues that you wasted of your life.  I just want to help people succeed, I want to remain trustworthy, keep others encouraged, but I don't want to get in the way of anyone.  I know there is something wonderful in me, but I have built up so many walls, that I have trapped myself inside.  Abuse can be forgiven and forgotten, but what it created still stands.  I love all yall...

I have built my walls
To keep the pain out
It doesn't seem right
It's not what life is about

I want to reach back
The same way they reach in
But life has shown me
There's evil behind the grins

I remain positive for others
Always showing them good in the bad
My glasses are on backwards
Inside I'm really sad

I just want to keep helping
That is where my happiness lies
If only people could understand
The world seen thru my eyes
                                     ~Milk
                      Copyright 2010