I was reading a FB post written by a young lady the other day. She said that she revealed some personal things to some people and had some regrets about being so open. I am not sure if her concern was what they would think about her or if they would go and share her stories with others. I assured her that her truths are hers, and it doesn't matter what anyone had to say, because she didn't need anyone to validate them.
I am pretty much transparent with my life. We all have stories, we all have pain, we all have experiences. I just have no problem sharing mine. I believe that some of my stories and experiences are not for me. I was just used to produce a message that will glorify Him. I could be wrong, and some of you can say that statement is the most obsurd thing that you have ever heard. But when you go thru the fire, and God knows I have been thru many, and you don't get burned, don't smell like smoke, and come out as clean as you went in...all that belongs to God. I don't walk around quoting scripture because I don't read His word like I should and can't quote more than a few verses. I don't attend church each Sunday. I don't tithe the 10% that I should give. But guess what, I don't act like I do either; therefore the comments, snickers, and pointed fingers can stay on over there, because I have no concern with the opinion of others. You know why, because they don't know what my journey is all about. God didn't make us the same. We were created with different personalities, characteristics, and gifts. It is the simplest of common sense to understand that we are all different people. He has His own way to talk to each of us because we are His creation, and He knows exactly how each of us will listen. Parents of more than one child will understand this best.
Have you ever been sitting in church and when the message was delivered you felt like the pastor must of had a private detective following you because he was all up in your kitchen with that message? He didn't just sit at the table, he was washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, he fixed him a sandwich, and drank the last of the red kool-aid and put the empty jug back in the fridge! LOL. God talked to you thru that message because He knows exactly how you will hear. The rest of the church listened too, but they may not have heard it with the clarity and revelation that you received it with. So when people talk about you or even innocently speculate on something, you have to move past that thing at 100mph. People don't have to understand, nor do you have to explain, your decisions/circumstances/experiences because they are about YOU and YOUR journey. At the same time, you should not concern yourself with the lives of others because you don't know what their journey is all about.
Who cares if someone knows that I have had abortions. It's my truth. Who cares if someone knows that I'm not divorced yet but I have moved on. It's my truth. Who cares if someone knows that I have 3 baby daddies. It's my truth. Who cares if someone knows that I have been in jail. It's my truth. Who cares if someone knows I have been raped and beaten. It's my truth. Wait, there's more...I lost a brand new home to foreclosure, my credit is shot to hell, I've made mistakes as a mother...It is all my truth and your opinion of it doesn't change it or make it go away.
My truth doesn't take me away from His kingdom. It doesn't take away my salvation. It doesn't make me less worthy. This applies to your truth as well. Your Sunday dress may be prettier than mine. You may know more scripture than me. You may be on every board in the church, be the director of the choir, the deacon, the janitor, the treasurer, the head of children's church, the secretary, and the one who prays for the sick and shut in. But, I promise you, when we He turns on the street light and calls us home, you still gonna be my neighbor because nobody is more saved than the next. I love all yall...
I don't have any poetic verses to end this blog today; just one simple but profound statement:
Some of my truth...is yours too.
About Me
- Milk
- Greenville, SC, United States
- My name is Melissa, but I was affectionately given the name Milk by a beloved friend, and it has kind of stuck with me. I am a laid back person, very predictable, but loyal and dedicated to the ones I love. My happiness lies in the simple things in life, and material things have no worth to me. I believe that God has given all of us a purpose, and each day I am walking more and more in what He has laid before me. My life experiences have filled me with wisdom and understanding, and these experiences have been beneficial to the ones that need my "ears" on a daily basis. The advice that I give is unbiased, and I always encourage others to do the right thing. I keep it real with folk and say what needs to be said and not just what one wants to hear. That is what a true friend would do right? I love people in general and believe that everyone has a story and that story should be heard. If people would take the time to hear other people, then they would become more understanding of them.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I Do Love Me but A Man Will Be A Man
Many times I hear people say, "You have to love yourself first...", and I ask myself what that really means. If someone does you wrong does that mean you don't love yourself? If you have some bad days does that mean you don't love yourself? I would think that unless you are ready to jump off a bridge and take your own life, then you got some love for you in there somewhere.
I have a friend that I talk to about EVERYTHING. He knows my deepest and darkest secrets. We talk about relationships, kids, religion, work, and life in general. He often tells me that I need to love myself. I get so lost with that statement. I suppose that in his eyes, loving yourself means being happy in the midst of everything. I would say with confidence that I have peace in the midst of everything, but I am not always happy. One day we were talking about relationships and I told him some things about my current relationship at that time. There were some shady situations going on, but I chose to ride it out and just tolerate it for the moment. His immediate response was, "Missy, you don't love yourself because if you did you would see that you deserve so much more". I thought about it, and although I had begin to become withdrawn and my chipper self had disappeared for a few, I was at peace with the situation and just accepted it because I knew there had to be a compromise somewhere. Of course I wanted a good man that would be as faithful, considerate, loving, and respectful to me as I was to him, but that is something that I have never known, so if I had someone that gave me one of the 4, then I took it and ran. Yes he may have a habit, but he respects me. Or yes he may cheat, but he helps with the bills. Or yes he may not work, but he shows me affection. Or yes he depends on me too much, but he is great with my kids. There is always going to be a compromise.
All my life I have heard the saying, "a man will be a man". I don't hate much, but I hate that! I know that there have to be men that want the same things what women want. It makes me mad because I know the woman I am, and I know that God designed me to be a wife. I love having someone to come home to, the butterflies I get when I wait on his call, shopping for him, washing his clothes, cooking his dinner, waking up beside him in the mornings, and catering to him. These things come naturally to me because they are a part of my design, therefore I look forward to them. However, after 37 years of hearing, and about 30 years of experiencing, that a man will be a man, I believe just that. A man will be a man. There have been only a few relationships in my life worth speaking on. One was very abusive and he was not faithful. I discussed a little about that in a previous blog. Another was a marriage that I entered because I felt guilty about fornication. He was unfaithful multiple times, and after counseling, prayer, and unsuccesful attempts at reconciliation, I finally left. I will however admit my wrong in the marriage too. I had a full-time job and a part-time job and went to school full-time, and I completely ignored him. Although I was faithful, paid the bills, and took care of the house and the kids, he got pushed to the back burner and found some folk that let him know he was alive. The other relationship allowed my kindness to be taken for weakness, and I was basically just used. I have known other men before, in between, and after, but those were the ones that kept me hidden and out of sight due to their embarassment of me. I have comically labeled them as "practice".
We always hear about how men are visual creatures and they are going to look. Well guess what? Women look too, but we don't go out and touch. There is nothing wrong with window shopping as long as you don't mess with the merchandise hun. I can't figure out for the life of me why men can't just do right by a good woman. She treats you like a king in every area, she makes sure you have a voice in the home, she constantly gives you affirmation...what is it that makes yall cheat? I asked this to my friend, and he tells me that he has to stay interested. His woman has to keep his attention or he gets bored and starts to wander.
I heard a couple of men discuss temptation in the very same way. One said that everywhere he goes that his wife is not with him, he has a male companion that accompanies him and keeps him straight. Another said that he places pictures of his wife and kids all over the place so he is constantly reminded of what is important to him and what he has to lose. Is all that really necessary? Do you not realize the worth of a good woman, and that worth in itself will make you do right? Don't bring me that mess about how Eve tempted Adam and that put temptation in the male DNA, or the how the enemy is always out there looking to destroy a good home. How about we leave the bible out of this one and you just be accountable for your actions??? I have had times of temptation myself, but I CHOSE to do what was right. I didn't need a companion or reminders all over to tell me what the right thing was to do. It was simply a choice.
Why can't a man be faithful? I have yet to hear a story of a marriage or relationship that didn't involve infidelity. It is as if it should just be expected. So if I walk into another relationship expecting a man to be a man, how in the world does that mean I don't love myself? I would be a fool to think he is all in love with me and will do right by me and all that mess. Those stories are in books and movies and we are so drawn to them because it is a fantasy that we wish would could live. The only "happily ever after" we will really find, is when God calls us home and we head towards Heaven. I had someone ask me out to dinner once. I politely declined simply because I wanted to just be myself and be comfortable. I didn't feel like getting cute and putting on makeup and nice clothes. I hate packing all this up in a girdle! I want to breathe sometimes yall! I wanted to head out the door busted and looking like hot mess # 65, but I knew someone would see us and send him the 13th million message about why in the world he would lower his standards and be seen with the likes of me. UGH...I am so over that mess and glad I turned off that road! Geeezzzz!
So do I love myself? I most certainly do. Am I happy 24-7? I am most certainly not. Am I at peace? I most certainly am. Just because I accept that a man will be a man, and I settle sometimes, does not mean that I am down on myself. I don't ask to be mistreated. I don't ask to be cheated on. I don't ask to have tears flow down my face from time to time. However, it all happens. I just expect it, understand it, and accept it. The only man that will ever love me on my girdle and my hot mess #65 days, lives upstairs, and He loves me just like I am. There is no need to impress anyone outside of Him. I will tolerate some mess sometimes, but that toleration is temporary I assure you because I DO LOVE ME!
I am going to close off this blog with a poem that I wrote several months a back after someone (a man of course) told me I should lose some weight. I love all yall...
You will love me like I am or don't love me at all.
How dare you ask me to let some of my weight fall!
All of me is important down to these hips and thighs.
If you can't see beyond that baby, then close your eyes.
I will never be what society considers the perfect treat.
While you're playing with vegtables, baby you missing the meat!
I know I am an amazing woman thru and thru
So keep on walking hun, cuz you just won't do!
~ Milk
Copyright 2010
I have a friend that I talk to about EVERYTHING. He knows my deepest and darkest secrets. We talk about relationships, kids, religion, work, and life in general. He often tells me that I need to love myself. I get so lost with that statement. I suppose that in his eyes, loving yourself means being happy in the midst of everything. I would say with confidence that I have peace in the midst of everything, but I am not always happy. One day we were talking about relationships and I told him some things about my current relationship at that time. There were some shady situations going on, but I chose to ride it out and just tolerate it for the moment. His immediate response was, "Missy, you don't love yourself because if you did you would see that you deserve so much more". I thought about it, and although I had begin to become withdrawn and my chipper self had disappeared for a few, I was at peace with the situation and just accepted it because I knew there had to be a compromise somewhere. Of course I wanted a good man that would be as faithful, considerate, loving, and respectful to me as I was to him, but that is something that I have never known, so if I had someone that gave me one of the 4, then I took it and ran. Yes he may have a habit, but he respects me. Or yes he may cheat, but he helps with the bills. Or yes he may not work, but he shows me affection. Or yes he depends on me too much, but he is great with my kids. There is always going to be a compromise.
All my life I have heard the saying, "a man will be a man". I don't hate much, but I hate that! I know that there have to be men that want the same things what women want. It makes me mad because I know the woman I am, and I know that God designed me to be a wife. I love having someone to come home to, the butterflies I get when I wait on his call, shopping for him, washing his clothes, cooking his dinner, waking up beside him in the mornings, and catering to him. These things come naturally to me because they are a part of my design, therefore I look forward to them. However, after 37 years of hearing, and about 30 years of experiencing, that a man will be a man, I believe just that. A man will be a man. There have been only a few relationships in my life worth speaking on. One was very abusive and he was not faithful. I discussed a little about that in a previous blog. Another was a marriage that I entered because I felt guilty about fornication. He was unfaithful multiple times, and after counseling, prayer, and unsuccesful attempts at reconciliation, I finally left. I will however admit my wrong in the marriage too. I had a full-time job and a part-time job and went to school full-time, and I completely ignored him. Although I was faithful, paid the bills, and took care of the house and the kids, he got pushed to the back burner and found some folk that let him know he was alive. The other relationship allowed my kindness to be taken for weakness, and I was basically just used. I have known other men before, in between, and after, but those were the ones that kept me hidden and out of sight due to their embarassment of me. I have comically labeled them as "practice".
We always hear about how men are visual creatures and they are going to look. Well guess what? Women look too, but we don't go out and touch. There is nothing wrong with window shopping as long as you don't mess with the merchandise hun. I can't figure out for the life of me why men can't just do right by a good woman. She treats you like a king in every area, she makes sure you have a voice in the home, she constantly gives you affirmation...what is it that makes yall cheat? I asked this to my friend, and he tells me that he has to stay interested. His woman has to keep his attention or he gets bored and starts to wander.
I heard a couple of men discuss temptation in the very same way. One said that everywhere he goes that his wife is not with him, he has a male companion that accompanies him and keeps him straight. Another said that he places pictures of his wife and kids all over the place so he is constantly reminded of what is important to him and what he has to lose. Is all that really necessary? Do you not realize the worth of a good woman, and that worth in itself will make you do right? Don't bring me that mess about how Eve tempted Adam and that put temptation in the male DNA, or the how the enemy is always out there looking to destroy a good home. How about we leave the bible out of this one and you just be accountable for your actions??? I have had times of temptation myself, but I CHOSE to do what was right. I didn't need a companion or reminders all over to tell me what the right thing was to do. It was simply a choice.
Why can't a man be faithful? I have yet to hear a story of a marriage or relationship that didn't involve infidelity. It is as if it should just be expected. So if I walk into another relationship expecting a man to be a man, how in the world does that mean I don't love myself? I would be a fool to think he is all in love with me and will do right by me and all that mess. Those stories are in books and movies and we are so drawn to them because it is a fantasy that we wish would could live. The only "happily ever after" we will really find, is when God calls us home and we head towards Heaven. I had someone ask me out to dinner once. I politely declined simply because I wanted to just be myself and be comfortable. I didn't feel like getting cute and putting on makeup and nice clothes. I hate packing all this up in a girdle! I want to breathe sometimes yall! I wanted to head out the door busted and looking like hot mess # 65, but I knew someone would see us and send him the 13th million message about why in the world he would lower his standards and be seen with the likes of me. UGH...I am so over that mess and glad I turned off that road! Geeezzzz!
So do I love myself? I most certainly do. Am I happy 24-7? I am most certainly not. Am I at peace? I most certainly am. Just because I accept that a man will be a man, and I settle sometimes, does not mean that I am down on myself. I don't ask to be mistreated. I don't ask to be cheated on. I don't ask to have tears flow down my face from time to time. However, it all happens. I just expect it, understand it, and accept it. The only man that will ever love me on my girdle and my hot mess #65 days, lives upstairs, and He loves me just like I am. There is no need to impress anyone outside of Him. I will tolerate some mess sometimes, but that toleration is temporary I assure you because I DO LOVE ME!
I am going to close off this blog with a poem that I wrote several months a back after someone (a man of course) told me I should lose some weight. I love all yall...
You will love me like I am or don't love me at all.
How dare you ask me to let some of my weight fall!
All of me is important down to these hips and thighs.
If you can't see beyond that baby, then close your eyes.
I will never be what society considers the perfect treat.
While you're playing with vegtables, baby you missing the meat!
I know I am an amazing woman thru and thru
So keep on walking hun, cuz you just won't do!
~ Milk
Copyright 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
I Don't Want to Understand Anymore
I attended a womens conference this weekend. I guess I should say I half-way attended it because I missed the first and last night of it and half of the second day, but I attended it nevertheless. There was some wonderful information about forgiveness and healing. I sat in the back of course, doing my best to be unnoticed, and just listened to the speaker and the ladies share their stories.
The ladies were discussing what they had learned and there were some great testimonies there. However, I felt so lost. I can honestly say that I have forgiven everyone that has ever hurt me. I know this because I have no desire for revenge, I don't hold any grudges against them, and if they called on me today, I would be there for them. In many cases, I have already been called on, and I am always there. I so easily forgive people because I seek to understand why they do what they do. When you understand the history of a person and know why they do what they do and why they act like they act, then it really does remove all opportunity for offense. I never blame myself for their actions; I just always accept the situation and keep it moving.
Last night I let someone borrow my car. I expected the car to be returned no later than 11pm, but when it wasn't, I set my alarm for 5:30am and prepared myself to walk to work this morning. Although it was 20 degrees outside, I never bothered to call this person and inquire about the return of my car, because I always understand and just accept the situation. I knew the car would show up before the day was over, and I would just take my keys, have no hard feelings, be thankful for the return, and keep it moving.
I rarely, and I mean rarely, get mad about anything. I take my punches and quietly wait for the next round. I don't talk about folk, get in other's business, or concern myself with what others say about me. I will always give a lending hand to anyone; even the ones that have wronged me. I have been in the presence of folk knowing how they feel about me and what they have said, but I still speak and give love and respect regardless. But there has to be a time when I just don't understand people anymore. Last night I was lying in bed and thinking about something I heard in the conference. T. Carter said, "Don't assume that people automatically know how to treat you." We have all been taught to treat others how we want to be treated, and I most certainly practice that rule, but I have allowed my understanding of others determine the way people treat me rather than letting them know that although I understand why you do what you do, it still hurts me and you can't do this to me anymore.
I do tolerate a lot of things from a lot of different people, but I don't want to tolerate anymore. I want people to love like I love and treat me with the same respect, loyality, and honor that I treat them with. I can't just assume they will do that; I will have to teach some people. I heard many things from the conference Saturday, but I think what T. Carter said was so profound to my situation. People will not automatically know how to treat us. We will have to show some people how we want to be treated. Yes I will always be understanding of others simply because it is my nature, but just because I understand the reasoning behind your actions, does not mean that it is ok for you to walk all over me and take complete advantage of me. People only do what you allow them to do. So the way I have been treated by others is my own fault, but that has to change because it is making me miserable over here.
I am going to begin to tell people how they make me feel and what I expect from them. I will understand if they don't hear what I am saying, but they will need to understand it when I turn and walk away from them. Hopefully today will be the first day of teaching...I love all yall.
The signals I give
Leave footprints all over me
My heart is so big
Why can't others see
You've stepped on the hand
That has helped you more than once
Never knowing the pain
It caused in abundance
The smile I carried
Along with my availability
Only gave you permisson
To continually walk all over me
School is in session
You will now be taught
I will be respected
Now be careful where you walk
~Milk
Copyright 2010
P.S...when I woke up at 5:30 am, my car had been returned. There was no note. No thank you. No apology. Just a set of keys that were quietly placed on the counter at an unknown time.
The ladies were discussing what they had learned and there were some great testimonies there. However, I felt so lost. I can honestly say that I have forgiven everyone that has ever hurt me. I know this because I have no desire for revenge, I don't hold any grudges against them, and if they called on me today, I would be there for them. In many cases, I have already been called on, and I am always there. I so easily forgive people because I seek to understand why they do what they do. When you understand the history of a person and know why they do what they do and why they act like they act, then it really does remove all opportunity for offense. I never blame myself for their actions; I just always accept the situation and keep it moving.
Last night I let someone borrow my car. I expected the car to be returned no later than 11pm, but when it wasn't, I set my alarm for 5:30am and prepared myself to walk to work this morning. Although it was 20 degrees outside, I never bothered to call this person and inquire about the return of my car, because I always understand and just accept the situation. I knew the car would show up before the day was over, and I would just take my keys, have no hard feelings, be thankful for the return, and keep it moving.
I rarely, and I mean rarely, get mad about anything. I take my punches and quietly wait for the next round. I don't talk about folk, get in other's business, or concern myself with what others say about me. I will always give a lending hand to anyone; even the ones that have wronged me. I have been in the presence of folk knowing how they feel about me and what they have said, but I still speak and give love and respect regardless. But there has to be a time when I just don't understand people anymore. Last night I was lying in bed and thinking about something I heard in the conference. T. Carter said, "Don't assume that people automatically know how to treat you." We have all been taught to treat others how we want to be treated, and I most certainly practice that rule, but I have allowed my understanding of others determine the way people treat me rather than letting them know that although I understand why you do what you do, it still hurts me and you can't do this to me anymore.
I do tolerate a lot of things from a lot of different people, but I don't want to tolerate anymore. I want people to love like I love and treat me with the same respect, loyality, and honor that I treat them with. I can't just assume they will do that; I will have to teach some people. I heard many things from the conference Saturday, but I think what T. Carter said was so profound to my situation. People will not automatically know how to treat us. We will have to show some people how we want to be treated. Yes I will always be understanding of others simply because it is my nature, but just because I understand the reasoning behind your actions, does not mean that it is ok for you to walk all over me and take complete advantage of me. People only do what you allow them to do. So the way I have been treated by others is my own fault, but that has to change because it is making me miserable over here.
I am going to begin to tell people how they make me feel and what I expect from them. I will understand if they don't hear what I am saying, but they will need to understand it when I turn and walk away from them. Hopefully today will be the first day of teaching...I love all yall.
The signals I give
Leave footprints all over me
My heart is so big
Why can't others see
You've stepped on the hand
That has helped you more than once
Never knowing the pain
It caused in abundance
The smile I carried
Along with my availability
Only gave you permisson
To continually walk all over me
School is in session
You will now be taught
I will be respected
Now be careful where you walk
~Milk
Copyright 2010
P.S...when I woke up at 5:30 am, my car had been returned. There was no note. No thank you. No apology. Just a set of keys that were quietly placed on the counter at an unknown time.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Burden of an Abused Woman
I didn't feel wanted as a child, and I have never been a wanted or desired as a woman. Always feeling this way keeps me in a corner. I always sit in the back of the room, I go places alone, and I rarely take people up on invites. When people ask me to to join in on a function, I believe that they are just being nice and they hope I will say no, so I just say no and do them a favor.
I was in a relationship many years ago, and everywhere we went, he walked ahead of me. He was embarassed of me, but tolerated that we had to go out in public from time to time. I knew that I wasn't a physically attractive woman, so I spent my days trying to perfect everything else. I became an excellent partner, I did all the chores in the house, I paid all the bills, I cooked all the meals, and I said yes to everything that was asked of me. If he was going to stay, then I had to overcompensate where my physical appearance failed. I knew he didn't want me, so I made things really easy for him to stay around. It wasn't hard for me to take over all the bills and chores of the home, because that is what I already knew.
I worked 3 jobs so I was rarely there. My children were very small at the time and spent 12 hours each day in daycare. I feel absolutely horrible about that now, and the thought of it brings me to tears. I had 2 children by the time I was 17. I didn't want to be the typical teenage girl from the projects living on the system, so I worked, and it took 3 jobs to pay my rent and other bills. I never had anyone to depend on, so handling everything was natural to me. I had two baby daddy's at that time, and neither one of them paid child support, so I just did what I had to do.
The abuse wasn't so evident in the beginning. I was so caught up in the fact that someone actually liked me, that everything seemed like love at first. It soon revealed itself in many ways however. He was a drug dealer and would have me hide the drugs in different places in our apartment. When I was home, I hid the drugs, cleaned the house, prepared the meals. There was one night that he told me some potential buyers were coming over, and I needed to remove all evidence of me from the apartment. He said that if the buyers knew that a female lived there they would not buy from him because "women talked" too much. So what did I do? I packed up all my things, and hid them away. At the time, I was just being obedient and wanted to do everything he said hoping that he would look past my outer appearance and see that I was really a good woman. I later realized that I was just walking another female in my door. There was another situation where our lights had been turned off because I didn't have enough to pay the bill. I would never ask him for money because I thought that would be too demanding. We had a fireplace in our apartment, and he was just as cold as me and the kids were, but instead of offering to pay the bill with the thousands of dollars he had in his pocket, he sent me up the street to steal some wood from out front of the local grocery store. I happily got the wood and warmed the house until my next payday. I entered that relationship when I was 19 and remained in there for about 2 years. One night after 8 hours of being beaten and raped at gunpoint, I finally left him. I never looked back.
Many people will say how stupid I was and how I didn't love myself. I guess they are probably right, but at that time, I would take any love I could get because I knew I wasn't the pick of the litter, and if someone was willing to come around me, then I would do what was necessary to keep them there. Growing up I didn't see much love. People were mean to me, I was always yelled at, and the only time a man was nice to me was when I laid down for him. This became my way of life for many many years. Men didn't want to be around because I was worthy, they wanted to be around because I was easy. I would never argue, never question, never ask...I just said yes and always accepted the situation.
Today I am a different woman, but I still carry the mindset that resulted from the abuse I endured over my lifetime. I feel like a burden and unwanted still, and I always remove myself from people. I hate to even ask questions because I feel that the 2 minutes it took for you to answer me, was 2 mintues that you wasted of your life. I just want to help people succeed, I want to remain trustworthy, keep others encouraged, but I don't want to get in the way of anyone. I know there is something wonderful in me, but I have built up so many walls, that I have trapped myself inside. Abuse can be forgiven and forgotten, but what it created still stands. I love all yall...
I have built my walls
To keep the pain out
It doesn't seem right
It's not what life is about
I want to reach back
The same way they reach in
But life has shown me
There's evil behind the grins
I remain positive for others
Always showing them good in the bad
My glasses are on backwards
Inside I'm really sad
I just want to keep helping
That is where my happiness lies
If only people could understand
The world seen thru my eyes
~Milk
Copyright 2010
I was in a relationship many years ago, and everywhere we went, he walked ahead of me. He was embarassed of me, but tolerated that we had to go out in public from time to time. I knew that I wasn't a physically attractive woman, so I spent my days trying to perfect everything else. I became an excellent partner, I did all the chores in the house, I paid all the bills, I cooked all the meals, and I said yes to everything that was asked of me. If he was going to stay, then I had to overcompensate where my physical appearance failed. I knew he didn't want me, so I made things really easy for him to stay around. It wasn't hard for me to take over all the bills and chores of the home, because that is what I already knew.
I worked 3 jobs so I was rarely there. My children were very small at the time and spent 12 hours each day in daycare. I feel absolutely horrible about that now, and the thought of it brings me to tears. I had 2 children by the time I was 17. I didn't want to be the typical teenage girl from the projects living on the system, so I worked, and it took 3 jobs to pay my rent and other bills. I never had anyone to depend on, so handling everything was natural to me. I had two baby daddy's at that time, and neither one of them paid child support, so I just did what I had to do.
The abuse wasn't so evident in the beginning. I was so caught up in the fact that someone actually liked me, that everything seemed like love at first. It soon revealed itself in many ways however. He was a drug dealer and would have me hide the drugs in different places in our apartment. When I was home, I hid the drugs, cleaned the house, prepared the meals. There was one night that he told me some potential buyers were coming over, and I needed to remove all evidence of me from the apartment. He said that if the buyers knew that a female lived there they would not buy from him because "women talked" too much. So what did I do? I packed up all my things, and hid them away. At the time, I was just being obedient and wanted to do everything he said hoping that he would look past my outer appearance and see that I was really a good woman. I later realized that I was just walking another female in my door. There was another situation where our lights had been turned off because I didn't have enough to pay the bill. I would never ask him for money because I thought that would be too demanding. We had a fireplace in our apartment, and he was just as cold as me and the kids were, but instead of offering to pay the bill with the thousands of dollars he had in his pocket, he sent me up the street to steal some wood from out front of the local grocery store. I happily got the wood and warmed the house until my next payday. I entered that relationship when I was 19 and remained in there for about 2 years. One night after 8 hours of being beaten and raped at gunpoint, I finally left him. I never looked back.
Many people will say how stupid I was and how I didn't love myself. I guess they are probably right, but at that time, I would take any love I could get because I knew I wasn't the pick of the litter, and if someone was willing to come around me, then I would do what was necessary to keep them there. Growing up I didn't see much love. People were mean to me, I was always yelled at, and the only time a man was nice to me was when I laid down for him. This became my way of life for many many years. Men didn't want to be around because I was worthy, they wanted to be around because I was easy. I would never argue, never question, never ask...I just said yes and always accepted the situation.
Today I am a different woman, but I still carry the mindset that resulted from the abuse I endured over my lifetime. I feel like a burden and unwanted still, and I always remove myself from people. I hate to even ask questions because I feel that the 2 minutes it took for you to answer me, was 2 mintues that you wasted of your life. I just want to help people succeed, I want to remain trustworthy, keep others encouraged, but I don't want to get in the way of anyone. I know there is something wonderful in me, but I have built up so many walls, that I have trapped myself inside. Abuse can be forgiven and forgotten, but what it created still stands. I love all yall...
I have built my walls
To keep the pain out
It doesn't seem right
It's not what life is about
I want to reach back
The same way they reach in
But life has shown me
There's evil behind the grins
I remain positive for others
Always showing them good in the bad
My glasses are on backwards
Inside I'm really sad
I just want to keep helping
That is where my happiness lies
If only people could understand
The world seen thru my eyes
~Milk
Copyright 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Women Supporting Women
Several months back I had an idea to host a fourm with women that discussed real issues and the things we struggle and deal with. I had great ideas for this and just knew it would be successful. Well I hosted 3 fourms and nobody showed up. I got discouraged, but remained encouraged because I understand that the things that excite me, may not excite others. So I cancelled the future bookings for the room I was using, and simply let the idea go. I wrote it off as something that I tried, but either the timing wasn't right or it was just not my calling.
A couple of weeks ago I saw an ad for a conference call that involved the same idea that I had. I was hesitant to call because there was a part of me that felt like I didn't belong or wouldn't fit in with this particular crowd of women. My general impression of the ad was that it was geared towards successful black women. Well I am not black, nor am I successful in the sense of being a business owner, so I didn't think this was for me. However, I did make the call, and God is amazing how He works.
My plan was to be quiet and just listen. That did not happen. I was the first person to speak up on the topic of relationships, and it wasn't about intimate relationships, but about friendships between women. I discussed my trust issues, and how I feel that God has placed me in the paths of many, but He hasn't placed anyone in the path of me. Sure I have met some wonderful ppl over time, but I always end up hurt in some way or another. This pain keeps me in a corner where I am protected but still able to reach out to those that need me.
I was able to tell my story to these women, and what I discovered was there was no race, there was no level of success, there were no checking accounts...there were just several women that had one thing in common. Pain. That call was a blessing to me because there are many times that I feel that I really don't matter. Sometimes I feel that I could leave the earth and go unnoticed. But God stepped in. There was a young lady on the line that I am familiar with, and she spoke up and let me know that I have made great contributions to her life although we have only spoken a few times. I needed to hear that, and I thank God for using her at the right time. We all laughed, shed some tears, encouraged each other, and bonded in that hour that we talked. It was necessary not just for me, but for everyone that was involved with the call.
This experience taught me that you can lead by following. I don't have to have my own fourm. I don't have to have my name at the head of something. I don't have to be up front and in the center...I can be just as powerful just being the unknown voice in the background. I love all yall....
I always fade out
Because I want to hide
I often feel like nothing
But there is something inside
I often wonder why I'm here
Daily I search and seek
He put the answers there
It's in the ones I meet
~ Milk
Copyright 2010
A couple of weeks ago I saw an ad for a conference call that involved the same idea that I had. I was hesitant to call because there was a part of me that felt like I didn't belong or wouldn't fit in with this particular crowd of women. My general impression of the ad was that it was geared towards successful black women. Well I am not black, nor am I successful in the sense of being a business owner, so I didn't think this was for me. However, I did make the call, and God is amazing how He works.
My plan was to be quiet and just listen. That did not happen. I was the first person to speak up on the topic of relationships, and it wasn't about intimate relationships, but about friendships between women. I discussed my trust issues, and how I feel that God has placed me in the paths of many, but He hasn't placed anyone in the path of me. Sure I have met some wonderful ppl over time, but I always end up hurt in some way or another. This pain keeps me in a corner where I am protected but still able to reach out to those that need me.
I was able to tell my story to these women, and what I discovered was there was no race, there was no level of success, there were no checking accounts...there were just several women that had one thing in common. Pain. That call was a blessing to me because there are many times that I feel that I really don't matter. Sometimes I feel that I could leave the earth and go unnoticed. But God stepped in. There was a young lady on the line that I am familiar with, and she spoke up and let me know that I have made great contributions to her life although we have only spoken a few times. I needed to hear that, and I thank God for using her at the right time. We all laughed, shed some tears, encouraged each other, and bonded in that hour that we talked. It was necessary not just for me, but for everyone that was involved with the call.
This experience taught me that you can lead by following. I don't have to have my own fourm. I don't have to have my name at the head of something. I don't have to be up front and in the center...I can be just as powerful just being the unknown voice in the background. I love all yall....
I always fade out
Because I want to hide
I often feel like nothing
But there is something inside
I often wonder why I'm here
Daily I search and seek
He put the answers there
It's in the ones I meet
~ Milk
Copyright 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Whats on Your Mind?
Everyday as we sign on to Facebook, the first question we're asked is "What's on your mind?" I have so many things on my mind, and sometimes it may take me 30 minutes just to figure out how I can reduce my thoughts to 240 characters. LOL.
So with that being said, I decided to start my own blog to discuss the things that can't fit in the Facebook box. My posts will discuss women, abuse, love, race, heartbreak, self-esteem, parenting, religion, politics, friendships, and whatever else may be on my mind or yours. I encourge my readers to give me a topic, and pick my brain, as I am an open book and will disucss just about anything.
I am interested to see where this goes....
So with that being said, I decided to start my own blog to discuss the things that can't fit in the Facebook box. My posts will discuss women, abuse, love, race, heartbreak, self-esteem, parenting, religion, politics, friendships, and whatever else may be on my mind or yours. I encourge my readers to give me a topic, and pick my brain, as I am an open book and will disucss just about anything.
I am interested to see where this goes....
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